Dreams

Ever since i started on the glyco ive been having very strange dream's, really vivid, load's are like i am on the edge of something trying not to fall. Some are so real because there about where i am and the people around me, i wake up numerous time's but the minute i shut my eye's they carry on, the friggin good ones don't lol. The one that stands out most was the other afternoon when having a nap, i was half asleep and i felt a hand lightly cup the back of my head, at first i thought my mum or rachael was there or even a carer but nobody was there, i shut my eyes for what seemed like a minute and the hand came back but again nobody there , shut my eye's again and the hand came back but this time I just left it and then it was like i was being lifted out of my body, my stomach sank and i woke up in a panic, i got after that, all that went through my my mind was is that what will happen when i die? Was that a warm up? Who knows but it scared the shit out of me . 

A bit of an idea

Well a lot has happened in recent months, from the hospice stay, pneumonia, chest infection, meds changing and obviously me falling to bits. I am now on a permanant syringe driver with glyco peronium (spelling) to control saliva, now once i started on it they give me the full does which knocked me off my feet, i felt so ill for about 3 days, i really thought i was gonna die! i couldnt do anything, it was horrendous and thank god its becoming more controlled now.

life has become pretty shit to be honest, I could sit here telling you it can be worse and list a positive or two but reality is its hell, I know i am awful to be around at time's but I can't help it, ive been through the mill of late, from the illness to finding out a support worker who I thought cared had made crude comments about me to other staff and rather mean ones on twitter which hurt . We had a few problems with the care agency but seem to be getting better now things seem to be getting better.
Got yet another chest infection, its getting to me in a big way now, the cushion on my wheelchair has been a nightmare and my bum cheeks are very sore, got a new one come today which feels great upto now. I seem to be in a lot of pain lately which adds to everything. I know im a moaning bastard and people have more worry about like getting their next boyfriend/girlfriend or getting out but i don't give a shit.
Rock bottom. 

back to blogging

to start with its been a rollercoaster ride the last few month's but i am going to wait as i am moving my blog again, this time I have have my own domain, cvmnd.com. It may take me a few days to move it all. I want to move my websites but working on a new one is a nightmare because the eye gaze is just not cut out for anything other than very basic pc work, shit really 

Re ex aunty

In reply to comments that have since been removed. The first one was nice to see and I thought more than just ITS sister and brother inlaw had a Heart, here is the comments. 

"Chris, I am still thinking of you all the time and I am so glad I got to meet you, you are so strong xx Auntie June and Cliff"

you are one of the only other members of the family that ever messaged me early on. Then hours later you back tracked in the following comment, obviously IT, the puppet master has rung puppet number one (dad) to ring you 

"It's us such a shame that you think Of Pauline this way and I know that she loves you and was and would still be there for you, if your family would have left you to be together and not been so over powering ! And Dennis and Pauline think the world of you and you have written done very unkind words on this blog, I understand how very sick you are but please don't be bitter and take it out on everyone"

now let me clarify a few things. 
The puppet master asked for help and i didn't want my mum doing my personal so the puppet master suggested her mum and sister, i did do even though i didn't want, my previous blogs will back the concerns i had. 
The puppet master still wanted more help so my mum offered to do all our washing, great IT said, that would really help. 
The puppet master asked for more help doing our bedroom off my dad he did. 
No complaints when my mum was giving us £50 £100 here and there to help us out because money was tight. 
The puppet master was happy when all the house was cleaned to help out. 
The puppet master was happy for my mum to sit in while she went trafford center to "chill out"
The puppet master still wasnt happy so I slept her mums once a week so she could go out. 
The puppet master still wasnt happy so i got crossroads care agency in two night's a week so she could again go trafford center or a "friend's"
The puppet master was still not happy and had many moans about why I wouldn't let my mum do any care so it was all in motion for care agency to get me up and dressed in a morning because she struggled with time, this was five days a week. 
Now were was the part where she wanted to do it together? where was my mum taking over? 

Now the ridiculous part about loving me! 
Does her adultry accomplice know she still loves me?  
Did she love me when she left me in bed on my own in tears supposedly going to asda? 
Did she love when i worried and she didn't want to know? 
She me loved that she moaned about doing things for me. 
She loved me so much she wouldn't tell me she was with someone else. 
She loved me so much she just wanted be friends. 
She loved me so much two week's after i left her next door neighbours son was telling his friend, my cousin, how im doing alright going off the sex noise's coming from the bedroom! Not wasting any time. 
She loved me that much she would not and still not give me my things back. 
Her tough dad tries making threat's on the phone because my dad asked IT for my things. 
She loved me so much she turns up at divorce court with her lover, neither would look my dad in the eye, wonder why! 
ITS mum and dad sat with me night after night telling me what she is doing is wrong! 
Since leaving ive heard how she really treated her ex, way different from what she told me. 

I could sit here all day but ive wasted enough time with selfish, heartless, horrible people and im sure a place in hell is reserved.  I stand by every word, may god strike me down dead right now, if this is lies take me to court, i will swear on oath, will you lie? 
However much you try you can't polish a turd! My family didn't make jump on his cock! the truth is she is a lazy money grabber and once I couldn't earn money and clean up I was no good. 

Its funny how you back tracked again once you had seen my mums comment. 
"I apologies for upsetting anyone and this was really not intended, I promise I will not read or comment again, take care and look after each other. My thought are with you"

So June your a good person but you live the other end of the country and know nothing, I urge all of you, don't like it don't read it, im done with you.

As the song goes "when you walk through a storm hold your head up high"
Well we have and we are so jog on! 

Thanks

Thank you all for your comments, its a relief to see that i wasnt just being an arse. I need to stop adding bits to it but they have to come out because it wrecks my head, once its all out i can move on, sorry for making you read it again but you must admit its good reading. 
A lot of things have happened since all this but not about her so plenty to come  

Time for the truth

When i was diagnosed with this disease i was going through organising the farse wedding, now straight away i told her if she cant handle this i wouldn't blame her but no, we can deal with this together, right ok. Now all through this wedding planning she got more help from my mum and dad than her own parents, the money my mum and dad put in and the time and effort they put in to make it happen. When it came to any work needing doing on the house it was my dad she asks because in her words her dad would make a mess, it was my dad that looked after the dog when we went away because again she didn't trust her dad. All through the organising of the wedding it was my family doing all the helping out and all the money from my work mates, my motorbike i sold and my beloved fishing tackle i sold all controlled by her for the wedding! by the time the wedding came round 90% of people there was my family! Many times through this their were arguments over the wedding and a few times i wanted to just forget it, it was hard enough coming to terms with what Ive got without all the stupid petty little things. The help we had from my mums work friends who paid for our holiday to Portugal, spends included, the laptop they paid for that she kept. It was my uncle she borrowed 4 grand off without me knowing and said she would pay back 500 a month but she never has. My pension which she has tried to get a share of, all 7 grand was used to pay that back and set up in a new home.

After the wedding is were it started to get worse, arguments all the time over petty things, needing help because work was so hard which i got help from her mum and sister. Again i said if its too much i wouldn't hold it against her but no as long as people don't judge her its fine, right ok. Getting used to the fact your wife was having to do your personal care was hard enough but now i was having to allow her mum and sister to help. As i became more unsteady on my suggestions were made about grab rails in the bathroom but her reaction was will it damage her tiles! no thought of how it would help me, they never got put in. Falls followed after that, I'm sure if you have read my early blog posts you will know how many I've had, the one i will never forget was going to get in the car when it was raining, rushing because she didn't want to get her hair wet i fell into the car. I have never fell since left the house. 
As you will be aware the extension was the next thing which again all the money raised for it was done by my family, my brother and sister inlaw helped out with me and the some of there extension aswel as work and two young lads, kids are a doddle compaired to a full time job like hers! I was always led to believe that her sister was a bad one and always been the favourite, many times at partys i would be having a good time but we had to leave because her sister had said or done something. I do still have contact with them both and the lads because they know what she has done is wrong, thats her own sister. Her dad did bits when he could be bothered, he was always one who could talk a good job but never follow it through, half a job man. Now dont get me wrong the laughs and good times far out weighed these flaws but watching my dad slog his guts out day after day, rain or shine was not fair. Her mum helped care for me and become someone i could talk to because she was now leaving the house first thing and would only return sometime at night. 
Anyway befoe the extension got underway i asked are you sure about this, we had been falling out a lot as i got worse but no, she said yea as long as people dont judge, now this is because all people were seeing on her facebook was what shes doing, were she is going and nothing about me, at this time i was unable to use laptop and people wanted to know, i constantly stuck up for her even though i did agree with what was being said and so did her own mother. So the extension got under way and my dad, danny and Bris worked tirelessly getting things going, numerous family members and friends came and got stuck in, my mum was round every spare minute cleaning the house after doing a night shift, doing all the washing, her mum, sister and now Rachael all helping me, reluctantly allowed Rachael to help, but that still wasnt enough, she now said she cant do her work because of noise so her bedroom got a make over and yet again my dad stopped doing work on the extension to build all her furniture because she didnt trust her dad to do a good job, she even convinced me to allow her to get a 500 pound overdraft for a mulberry handbag and she would sort out paying it off, also at this point she had full control of both the joint and my bank card, she was terrible for buying clothes all the time, her spare room and attic full with bin bags of clothes. Their was never any money in the house to pay for all bits and bobs people were buying.all while people were fundraising and working on her house.
Another thing that upset me was she never came with me to appointments, meetings or anything to do with me, even all the professionals noticed she was never there, it was my mum and dad that always come. 
The next thing was the crash diet started and going gym, obviously slimming for the new fella, we did come across some diet pills called T 5s, i never new anything about her getting them and when asked about them she fobbed me off saying she wasnt taking them but i didn't believe her. One day when she was well into zumba she told me she was doing a zumbathon for cancer or something, hang on a minute what about supporting your husbands cause? The dying in front of your eyes because their is no cure, no funding, no awareness, nothing! proof i was not in her list of priorities, i always said it was her first, the dog then me. 
Now she had the nice space to do work but now i never seen her, she would spend all night in there i was left on my own down stairs because she had typing to do, i knew she was lying i could see the router lights going mad, on internet obviously. This is where the school reunions started, again you can see in an early blog post about my concern over 2 school friends sending messages to her on facebook that were inappropriate were going, my rock Rachael was out at the same as one reunion confronted her after watching the wife all over one of these lads on the dance floor, again it was made out Rachael was bang out of order and i fell for it, she has a very good yet dangerous way of turning things around so much that begin to doubt yourself! who you are? am i cracking up? so many times i would be apologising for stuff not knowing were i was in the wrong. More reunions followed ,trips to a so called friend become more frequent because she couldnt talk to her mum because shes always pissed! her words not mine. Through all this she was becoming more secretive leaving the laptop upstairs were i couldnt get it and her mobile become glued to her and on silent yet whenever anyone tried ring because we never new where she was or what time she would be back, i had never known her to be out the house so much, but every time i fell for the lies and feeble excuses. This was all a bit dodgey. I really started to feel quite lonely and a burden, things like asking for a drink it was always in a minute or when eastenders has finished.I had a big insecurity about the toilet situation, after all im a young man and all of a sudden I need my arse wiping , not a nice thing and it was made very clear she didn't want to do it, you always save it for me were the words used, even Danny witnessed it, its a far cry from the woman 6 month earlier declaring her undying love at our wedding! There was also the time my physio called ambulance concerned about pain in my arm from a fall, she never came the hospital, couldn't because of work! Says it all rally.
It was all starting to come clear and then come the classic line for the third time in a few weeks, i think we would be better as friends, and the best bit was i can stay there if i pay half to bills which is 700 pound, basically all my benefits. She become so cold and heartless its unbelievable. One thing sticks in my mind  is the night she told she needed go 24 hour asda at 10 at night for my anniversary present so i said get me in bed n go, it wont take long, well she came strolling in at some time in the early hours and tried just go upstairs but i asked were she had been she had nothing from asda, no car and stunk of booze, the bullshit excuse was shocking, cant believe she left me that long, i couldnt alert anyone and what if there had been a fire! a lay awake all night with my head up my arse wondering how could she be so nasty. When i got my anniversary present it was a cup and card 99p still stuck on back, that said it all and again she said the friends thing.
I talked to her dad and mum all the time and they said they were disgusted by her behaviour, when i said she is definitely seeing someone else they said they would flatten her if she was. At this point her dad was going to have a word, so off he went upstairs were she always was. A good hour passed and he came down, never really said anything about it and i wasnt going to ask, he said he was getting off and ill see you later, no probs. Five minutes later she comes down and never really said anything, i then asked did your dad have a word? yea, he agrees with me, its like your mum and are taking over and its his daughters house! my heart sunk and i couldnt believe what i just heard! i was in shock and didnt no what say, i did say i will let them know but she said dont go causing shit now, I remember this so vivid, the feeling was awful. As you can imagine I never slept that night going over and over in my head. Well when I saw my dad walk in next morning tools in hand I couldn't bare it, the work he was putting in to be treated like that, so I told him, instantly I saw the life drain out of him, he didn't deserve this. My dad down tools that day, clearly frustrated he confronted her dad who back tracked completely and was so apologetic to me but ultimately led to a big change in my mind, I new then it was over, once she heard I told my dad I got the blame for destroying two families, can you believe it?
I made the decision to leave the home which has been thrown at me through the divorce ,even after I left I gave her 200 pound because she was skint and asked everyone to not put things on facebook which everyone stuck to until she started, kept saying keep it amcable but she never has been. There was no mention of her lover staying over within weeks of me leaving, hiding his car round the corner.
For about a month after I continued to go her mum and dads having a drink and a chat yet they still didn't believe she was seeing someone else. The last time i was there her mums words to me were as far as im concerned you will always be our son inlaw nobody will replace you. As you can imagine it was difficult now with me having to live at my mums but this has been well documented in my previous blogs, all the difficulties with belongings and stuff. A few weeks later my dad called round to see why they havnt been in touch, they had completely turned and on first name basis with the new fella. I know its their daughter but come on it didnt need be like this.

Its been said before that this sorry excuse of a woman made threats towards my nephew, Hollie and Rachaels kids, a child social worker making threats towards children and the national fostering agency obviously accept this sort of behaviour.
A note to her mum and dad, i hope your proud of your horrid daughter and of your selves, you know what she did to me and how she neglected me. She controlled me, she took control of my money and obviously controlls you.
I welcome you to come here look me in the eyes and tell this is not true, you know were i am.
I can say I am so proud of my mum and dad, they will do anything for anybody and they have so many friends who can vouch for that, we still have all these wonderful people behind us and supporting us, I am truly grateful to every one of you.

I can imagine people will think I am just being bitter, that's fine, I will not say there were no good times but extravagant gifs and expensive breaks don't solve everything. Being the way I am I have a lot of time to think and reflect on what has happened and some may believe I deserve this, maybe, my mum and dad don't.

As i have said we had police called on us twice for harrassment, said she had to move out because of harassment, she went away because of all the stress, still wouldn't return my belongings, even got a woman who was a go between but still failed. I have lost so much memories, money, items and more importantly precious time with hollie, mum, dad and people that actually cared, i hold her fully responsible for my rapid decline in health. 
I have no faith in the justice system in this country its disgusting and if you can tell me what i have done wrong please feel free to comment here! 

WERE IS JUSTICE FOR THE NEGLECT AND ABUSE? Maybe this is it. 

Lads from work

Ive goto say i am amazed at what the lads from work have done and continue to do. Its only a small company which i worked for 19 years and have some fantastic memories, including some great laughs and fall outs, I've probably fell out with all of them at some point lol. The money they have raised for me is unbelievable and stuck by me were others treated me like something they have stood in.
All i can say is a massive thank you for everything guys i really appreciate all you do, still a bunch of nob eds though!

If anyone needs a glass carrier check out the link to Supertrucks, these are the best ones you can buy.

 Supertrucks

Eye gaze

Gaze selection crashed once last night and again this morning, just comes up gaze selection has stopped working and needs to close. I feel so let down by this c15, if i knew then what i know now i would never have got it. My mum spent her pension that she worked 28 years on something that is meant to give so much independence when in reality its just an over priced talking device but only in the day time. Maybe i do want too much from it but for the money it should be far more powerful than it is.

Pretty early on i realised it was very limited with hard drive space, memory and processor, i find this shit considering i can buy a notebook with more power so the size cant be an issue. I feel we was not advised of this in the beginning of any of this, we were lead to believe its all singing all dancing machine. The problem with gaze crashing is down to processor and RAM, i am unable to use the majority of programs i want to use, my website needs moving to my new domain (cvmnd.com) but again i get so far and something goes wrong.

I suppose its my fault for expecting to be able to do things on here any normal person can do, obviously i was wrong. I now will only be doing the bare minimum on this thing due to the frustration it causes me, it really gets me down. 

On a brighter note my divorce has been granted ;-)

The funny part part was the devil woman turned up at the court with the sad get she committed adultery with and for some reason couldn't look my dad in the eye! wonder why? also stopped my dad from being aloud to speak, i wonder why? her mum and dad must be so proud.

A bit better

Feeling a bit better but still sleeping a lot and cant stop thinking don't wake up. Eyegaze pissing me off again, I've stopped messing about with it because it just doesn't have the ability to do much, it was wishful thinking that i would be able to do as much as i would like, anyway the txt messaging wont work, its been like this since Friday! we was given a 24 hour help line, after numerous calls we got no answer, Monday we finally got hold of someone who was going to ring back with a date for someone come out, never rung back!
I give up and will just use it for the bare minimum, sick of stressing over it and wasting what little time i have left.

Praying

As you may of guessed i am not very religious but i find myself praying now and again, mainly for a break from the tosser, obviously not making a bit of difference. Yesterday i got up at half 6 in morning and half 10 in the morning i was back in bed till 2 in the afternoon, by half 5 i was back in bed till half 8, then by half 10 it was off to bed again! When got in bed at half 5 i found myself praying, not for a break, i was asking to not wake up, its really getting to me now, I'm not as tough as you all think, there are plenty of people on my facebook stronger than me and in some cases been fighting this for many years.
I am scared of dying, i am scared of it being really horrid time, i want it to happen in my sleep. 

Thanks Shane for your message and sorry i couldn't be there, your grandad was an amazing man and very much a grandad to us growing up and Winnie was another nan, always kept an eye on me and gave me a few bollockings over the years lol. Good to hear from you, keep in touch mate