Just another day in hell

First off thanks for the recent messages, i will reply as soon as i can.
I seem to be losing interest in anything, the days just keep rolling on with nothing changing, same things every day, once the warmer weather comes i can get out more which will help. 
For some reason i seem be sleeping more, its not like me to sleep so much. Also ive recently been having panic attacks for no reason, these are quite frightening. Personally i think my body is starting to give up the fight, im getting no rest from this tosser, its relentless! 

Life

A bit of good news, finally get my divorce ;-) still not getting the money owed or my possesions so wheels are in motion to go private. Trying to explain to hollie why IT wont return her things is difficult.
We did a video the other day which i will put on here eventually. While editing it i was repulsed by the way i looked, it made me physically sick! I look awful and sound even worse.
Its my birthday on tuesday and probably the last one i will see, i cant imagine what state i would be in twelve months time. My fight is coming to a close, both physically and mentally, the inability to eat has knocked me off my feet, everything you see and hear is food and its killing me. Being uncomfortable is another nightmare both in bed and in chair. Not talking is another one, being unable to join in any conversation makes me feel lonely.
I really cant handle this any more, im not as strong as some of you out there, struggling to see what is worth all this pain and suffering, im done!

So whats been happening

Well this may piss the wife off but I'm still alive after a shocking few week. First off i spent a week in hospice trying to manage the pain in my hands but i had a rather nasty reaction to ketamine hariperidol (prob spelt wrong) my jaw locked on my tongue twice! it felt like i was biting through it, its now happened a few times and my tongue feels battered so i gave up and come home. I do have to say the hospice is a fantastic place and the staff are amazing. 

I came home on Sunday but didn't feel rite all week. On Friday night an ambulance was called.i was taken to whiston and quickly found out i had pneumonia. I am finally home after the most traumatic and frighting time of my life, i really thought that was it, the minute i heard pneumonia my heart sunk and i thought if i went sleep i wouldn't wake up. My mum, dad and Rachael never left my side, thanks everyone for heir messages and those who took the time to vist, i really appreciate it, also a massive thank you to Jess Bailey for helping Racheal with the kids allowing her to stay with me, between my mum ,dad, our Lisa, Rachael, aunty Pam, Danny and bris i the best people i could possibly ask for, even our Danny offered to drive up from down south to help Rachael with her kids, so proud and lucky to have these people around me.Hopefully stay out of hosi for a while now.
Now i can get back to devorcing the evil one who continues to ignore everything and still will not return items of mine and Hollies, its difficult to explain to a nine year old why she cant have her things, at least were all set for going to court now  and her and her evil new bf can carry on with their sad lives! oh and the evil parents who witnessed what she did. At least i know who to haunt when i die.

Pain

Currently in Willowbrook Hospice to try control the pain, now were not talking of pain that is like a head ache or a sharp pain, its my hands mainly, the only way i can explain it is like a tingling or pins and needles but 10 times more annoying. This has been going on for months, i cant bare my fingers or my hands touching anything, your probably thinking soft arse but believe me its not nice, for me to come here says how bad its got, plus the hip pain that has started recently. I would love someone to experience what its like for a day. Yes i know, stop moaning lol!
On the flip side the Hospice is a fantastic place and all the staff are very nice. I do feel comfortable here compared to Aintree Hospital which does make a big difference to being away from The Kop (my bungalow).
I have decided my next lot of money i raise is coming here so come on buy a wristband. I will have a think of my next fund raising idea.

Oh yea

Talking of being fleeced, i feel very let down by rsl steeper, once you have spent your life savings on an eyegaze you just have to get on with it. I sent an email over two weeks ago and still had no reply, its disheartening to be honest. Not to blow my own trumpet but i am pretty good with computers and what i asked for is not a major operation, mainly add more memory. I don't think the support is good at all, people that have these devices rely so much on them, me included, its all i have that makes me feel normal, people would have no idea when chatting online. Anyway i took matters into my own hands! A high spec PC that i remote operate to do all time consuming jobs and then keep this free to do my tinternetting.

So much for not having much to say lol

Update

Not a great deal to say really. I know the sudden urgency on ITS part to get a divorce is down to needing sell or rent the house with the what i would class as the stolen 6 grand of fund raising money in it, not to mention the stolen 4 grand loaned off a family member and the stolen items of mine and Hollies, oh and the ticket money of my sister that has never been returned, ITS family and company  must be so proud! And before the police come again, these are FACTS! and also not defamation of character.

Its been a bit of a bummer that some wristbands are losing the writing, we did complain but it fell on deaf ears so i apologise if this has happened to yours.
My wish to watch my team (Liverpool in case you didn't know) with my dad has been re arranged for this Saturday, yes i know the mancs beat  us but were a young team and it will come, mancs are getting old! ;-)

A note

To whoever is leaving rather sad comments, your obviously very tough hiding behind a pc leaving comments! if have something to say come say it to my face, probably related to the devil woman and her all mouth crew lol.
Anyway enough about dog shit, ive got better things do.

Eyegaze

Not many people will understand and i dont expect them to but its not as simple as you may think to do even the simplist of tasks are tough when you have no fingers that work. Its such a massive part of my  life now because its the only way to have a tiny bit of a normal life and also the only thing left thats private. Its my phone, but its a bit dodgey with the signal in here and sometimes wont work. I know i need to use it more for talking but its admitting defeat and im a stubburn arse at the best of times. I can see clearly when someone doesnt understand what ive said, i would rather people say they didnt understand than pretend they did and i will type it out.
I dont think i will ever get used to not being able to talk or eat, it really does get to me, everywhere you look theirs food shoved in your face, i can have bits like soup which is better than nothing but i could murder a steak n chips from a pub, washed down with a few pints! not gonna happen! Its a good job life expectancy is short, as ive said this isnt living.

Wheelchair

The difference with this new chair is massive, so much more comfortable and great around the bungalow, hopefully not take any more chunks out of the wall or door frames. Added a little note to it

Thought it was quite funny.
Also another thing i got for Christmas that i love is my wall plaque

Its fab, i love it.
I have ordered a number plate too which should come tomorrow.

I'm hoping get my camera set up soon so i can do a little video. Those that know me will be aware of how much i love computers and love tweaking, well i am finally getting this eyegaze close to how i want it ;-) which has took some messing! i now have windows 8 running pretty well, a 3TB hard drive connected via usb and also another  3TB Network hard drive too ;-) a man can never have too much hard drive space. All i need is to find out if i can get my usb ports upgraded and the memory, i will be happy then, i think.

A New year, same shit.

Christmas day  was great day considering the food issue, it was extreamly tough and it did get the better of me at one point but soon got over it and just kept thinking, at least im with people who care. 
Unfortunately its been quite shit since, ive been in quite a lot of pain and in turn it affected my sleep. I dont want to go into detail but i think its sorted now.
Learnt quite a lot this last week or so about people, life and what i should do in the future, one thing that i will be doing is keeping out of everything that adds stress and the first thing is i have removed facebook, im sick of seeing woe is me feeble moans, i know we all have moans and may well mean a lot but im just sick of seeing them, plus seeing what im missing out on. 
The only thing look forward to was the wheelchair which did arrive today, not red, no arm supports and  i dont have full control, pretty much new somert wouldnt be right. Anyway its still miles better than other one.
To bring me back down to my dog shit existance i get a call from trial clinic telling me stop taking Dexi because it does nowt! the trials been stopped, i know we all say from time to time we have no luck but fuck me i must be up there with the unluckiest. One positive is its less time living in hell!

Whats next????